On Celibacy and Things I’m Encountering

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This update has been long-coming, and for whatever reasons, including my busy social life, I’ve neglected to write a good post and update here, and now we’re going to tackle several issues.

AS A FOREWARNING: I will be discussing sexuality and specifically my sex life at certain points in this blog. If this offends you, bothers you, disturbs you, or you’d rather not know, read no further.

A couple of years ago, a former friend of mine referred me to a book entitled Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow. The general premise of the book explains the functions of falling in love, orgasm, and various psychological and neurological changes that occur with orgasm in the brain. The basic idea that the author sets forth is that when a human has an orgasm, they also encounter a so-called B-phase after the orgasm- a post-orgasm hangover that causes all kinds of mood changes and shifts and so on, and that it can last for up to two weeks in the individual’s body.

This is also the premise on which the author relies to explain why so many relationships fail- people become “habituated” to their partner and see them as less appealing. The science behind this is that it would have historically caused a person to seek out new and more partners in order to spread their genes.

At the same time, there is another part of the brain that allows for bonding between two organisms- touching, cuddling, kissing, acts of service, and so on, the sort of things we do when we fall in love. This allows us to bond emotionally to a partner and to stick with them, and this bonding process is also especially important to parents bonding with their child.

We’re not going to totally analyze all of the science here, as that isn’t my domain, and I’m not concerned with all of the hypotheses that are set out- I’m only concerned with what I have personally encountered and how it fits into the entire system as a whole.

First, some intimate information: it’s been almost three weeks since I myself have experienced orgasm. Believe me, this is no ordinary feat, and one can’t imagine the degree to which people are essentially “addicted” to sexuality. Now, admittedly, it sounds strange for a person to speak of being “addicted” to something that’s obviously biologically programmed into us, but the point is that people use sex to cope with all kinds of stresses, and we can all attest to this. Moreover, “resisting” sexuality is almost impossible.

But I wanted to know what would happen. Seriously. I wanted to know what would happen to me psychologically in going without orgasm.
The first thing I want to say is the the author makes it sound like this is a panacea- and it is not, not by a long shot. I still experience social anxiety, I still have mood swings and so on, I still have issues from my childhood that bother me.

However, and take note, as this is important, I do have a greater sense of confidence in myself, a greater sense of who I am, a greater clarity of thought, and a generally higher mood. My dreams are extremely vivid (when I have them), and I have more awareness of subconscious happenings during full consciousness. Various spiritual insights come to me, and many times, I experience feelings that I haven’t really had since I hit adolescence but before having any kind of sexual release.

Also of importance is that I do practices to transmute the energy- meditation, chanting, certain yoga positions, visualization, and so on. This is crucial, especially if one doesn’t have a partner.

This is not about demonizing orgasm or sexuality or pleasure. I wanted to see practically speaking what would happen. The big question is whether the pay-off is worth it, and I definitely think that it’s a more interesting state in which to be. The even bigger question is whether or not I could do this in a relationship, and if I could find a partner who was willing to do the same.

Another interesting aspect is a greater sense of my own totality- that is, there isn’t the same kind of longing or needing of a companion or a sense of hopelessness in finding one. The single life suddenly isn’t so tough, it suddenly isn’t such a bad thing, and while I would love to be in a relationship, there’s a perk of not having to answer to anyone, of not having to worry about anyone but myself, of not having any particular thing that I must do out of obligation. There’s a greater sense of impressing myself on my environment and a reduction of the environment’s ability to affect me as well. I few times I’ve noticed that whereas someone else’s opinions may have affected me, I’m now able to disagree with them but not feel attacked OR like I’m attacking them. Again, a greater grounding in myself and in liking myself.

So it’s been well worth it during the first two weeks. The second two weeks is a different experiment for me- what I’m attempting to see now is where exactly the energy will go from here. What happens next? Will there be an even greater boost of energy? Will I enjoy myself even more?

People also seem to be more apt to talk to me; my popularity and magnetism has gone up, in other words, and it all happens at a rather subconscious level. I don’t do anything differently; people just seem more interested in me. Likely the greater amount of energy in me makes me more valuable to them.

If I make it to the third set of two weeks, we’ll set up a different experiment to see what happens.
There’s been a light at the end of the tunnel regarding my emotional entanglements from the past as well. I am convinced at this point that a great deal of our emotional problems exist on an unconscious level and that we release them, albeit it temporarily, with orgasm. But this doesn’t solve the problem- it’s rather like an alcoholic drowning his problems and not facing the real emotional wound. To abstain from orgasm, then, allows for the issues to be dealt with or to heal.
My situation’s problem may be a lack of definite companion, and that could be the piece of the puzzle I haven’t experienced with Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow. I’m also not fond of the author’s heterosexism, as she states that gays and lesbians “definitely know more about the problems between the sexes than anyone else.” The implication in said statement is that people are gay and lesbian because they have problems relating to the opposite sex- but the reality is that there’s no interest in the opposite sex to begin with, so it isn’t an “issue.”
I try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, though. Even if she’s wrong on this point, she’s still made some other good points. My questions haven’t fully been answered, and even though a lot of what I personally have experienced lines up with what she says, not all of it does, and I’m not about to concede that I’m the one that’s incorrect.
The author also implies that various sexual fetishes and practices are actually the result of using pornography, and that abstaining from orgasm will basically “cure” one of those fetishes. That did cause me a moment of being open-minded and considering whether or not maybe my own homosexuality is the result of a sexual “conditioning,” as it were, but I can guarantee you almost three weeks in that I’m gay without a doubt, and this fact is actually even more clear at this point than it was before.
Abstaining from orgasm becomes remarkably easy as time passes. The reason is that sex works like an addiction- the more you have, the more you crave it. But I’m also using the sexual energy, so that can account for how much easier things have become.
I’ll keep everyone posted and let everyone know what’s going on with this.

Holy Matrimony, the Sacred Nature of Sexuality, and an Inner Reform

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Watching the Royal Wedding the other day had a profound affect on me. Anglicanism, at its zenith of Anglo-Catholicism, is beautiful beyond beautiful, truly a mark of God’s Presence on Earth.

But more to the point, the administration of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony had an even more profound affect on me.

So now, I’m going to say things that will put me outside of the mindset of the majority of the society and world in which I live.

I do not think sex should happen outside of marriage.

That goes for straight people and gay people alike.

End of story.

Now, to push forward and explain some things: that does not mean that I believe that it’s a “sin” to have sex outside of marriage, much less that I think it’s a threat to one’s immortal soul or eternal abode.

Allow me to clarify what I mean.

In our society, there is a huge amount of dissatisfaction within relationships and within marriage and with sexuality in general. People seem to not want to admit this, and more and more, what I’ve seen is the attitude that “monogamy is the evil” from some of the more vocal people. That is, people are seriously questioning if monogamy is something that humans are supposed to do, and there’s no problem with putting up that question.

But the root issue is where we should go. Why the dissatisfaction?

What’s the real issue?

I think the issue is that sexual energy, by its nature, is extremely unstable and difficult to control; so when we enter into a relationship with someone, we bring with us our unstable sexual energy, and all kinds of problems arise in the relationship. Sometimes, though, the issue is that two people are not really together because they love each other- they’re together for any host of reasons that someone such as myself would find reprehensible.

Holy Matrimony does something that two people, on their own, cannot do- it binds their sexual energy together, a blessing on the two to balance and stabilize their energy, to draw it away from other partners and other people and bring it together to the two of them. Ms. Tweedie explained that what happens is the kundalini of the two people begins to fuse together. And so I have observed this myself.

The problem is that it’s difficult to extricate one’s kundalini from the other person if there is a break-up or a divorce, but that’s another blog.

The point is this: while not married, the energy of the two people is so unbound that the likelihood of something going wrong is much higher. I also think that so many people who get married do so under false pretenses, and so since the Sacrament isn’t being conferred properly, the marriage fails

I’m just rambling at this point. You ignore this blog. I think sexual fulfillment ultimately comes when two people love each other and are married. That’s all I’m saying. And I think sex at that point isn’t just about momentary pleasure, it’s about uniting with that other person, about communicating with them and deepening your companionship.