Dreams from Last Night

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In the first dream, I was shopping and ready to check out. I saw a croissant that looked delicious, but as is the case in many dreams of mine, it cost too much- in this case, this simple pastry that was hanging on a shelf cost $17.95. I recall the number clearly. (Whoever says one cannot read in dreams has no idea what they’re talking about.)

I also wanted to look at the aisle that had stickers, but people were on the aisle and kept getting in my way.

At some point, I was watching a video while waiting in line, and then a live band began playing in the store. The band members had a “zombie” theme, and the result was that they had outfits that made it look like they were exposed body tissues and bones, and then people dressed up as zombies began to come in. I ducked and kept my eyes closed, and the people kept running by and poking me and touching me, and I screamed for them to stop.

When finally it seemed like all was over, I uncovered my eyes, and I was in a wooden room. There were only two people here besides me, two twins who looked like they were in their 20s. They had blond hair, dark eyes, large noses, and thin lips, and I was attracted to them.

But I knew they might be dangerous, so I tried to leave- I opened a door, and to my horror, the door only opened to another wooden door. I turned the knob of the new door and had fear burning in me because I knew that I was dreaming and could run into anything terrifying at this point.

The door opened this time to a small greenhouse-like area, and I quickly began to fly and burst through the glass. I “swam” in the air, and I recall seeing a huge moon in the sky as well as the rising turrets of some kind of factory.

I woke up. End Dream 1.

Dream 2:

As I fell asleep, I went in with the determination to find my Shadow and confront it. I don’t remember much of what happened here except that I was in my parents’ house, and then I remembered to find the Shadow. I went to the front porch- the first “shaded” area that I saw, and there was some kind of tree growing up from the middle of the front porch ┬áto the its ceiling.

The tree appeared to made of stone, and I walked around it, crying aloud that I wanted the Shadow to appear, that I was here to confront it. Then I cried out for the Subconscious as well.

When I turned to face the house, growing against the wall were two women, one on the left and one of the right. I didn’t know which one to talk to, but the one on the left had darker skin, so I connected that with “Shadow.” I began asking her what to do, what the problem was, and I don’t remember getting a response. I spoke to the one on the right as well without getting much of an answer, and returned to the one on the left, who now looked different.

At some point, her face distorted, and she grabbed me and clutched me too tightly to her breast, leaving me unable to escape. But then I knew what to do- I struggled as much as I could to stand up and face her, and I inhaled her into myself- which, surprisingly, WORKED.

And after that, I woke up.

So my Shadow apparently has something to do with “the feminine” (big surprise there), and I’ve…at least somewhat incorporated her into myself. So…yeah.

Now on to figure out the Social Anxiety.

If anyone wants to help interpret the other elements, bring it.

Steve

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Memories of Sufi Love and Jesus

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Now I’m beginning to slowly remember some of the love I had for Jesus, back in my days of identifying somewhere between Sufism and Gnosticism.

The reality is that somewhere along the line, I got caught up in too many other things. The reality is that, as I listen to music from 2011 released during Lent (Lady Gaga’s album “Born This Way”), I can feel my heart’s memory pounding and pumping through me, the adoration I gave to the suffering Christ all the way through and because of His very Being, and not because of all the ridiculous politics surrounding His alleged followers.

My openly declaring myself a heretic has gone well, and I’m happy and feel free to seek God in all things, in all places now. Maybe “God” isn’t the best word to use; the Divine? Life? Ultimate Reality? I’m not sure.

Maybe my own ego complicated everything.

But something else also happened when I turned 29- I said that I would give everyone a year of fair warning and that once I turned 30, I was DONE with the bullshit- other people’s bullshit, my bullshit, all the bullshit. Age 30 is way too old to not be honest, authentic, and to the point. I’ve lived my life in a weird place of being afraid to speak out because I didn’t want to cause waves, but here’s the thing…

…maybe speaking out gives other people a sense of solidarity and hope- a sense of ability to relate to me- a sense of happiness, peace, and alleviation of suffering. My silence has been for the sake of the people who might be hurt that I disagreed with them, who might not like me, who might not accept what I had to say.

But the reality is that after 30, I simply won’t have the room to care; after I turn 30, it’s a matter of “this is the way it is, and I’m open to reflective thoughts and insight from different angles, but I’m not open to bullshit just because it makes you comfortable.”

To be a good human, life demands of us integrity, honesty, openness, consistency, consideration, and reflection, not silence that masquerades as holiness because we are, in fact, despondent and afraid.

And I fear that’s where I’ve been.

The “Satan” experience returned recently. I’m not sure what to make of it, or of my Shadow, or of what’s going on here. I can seem to hone in on him- but I can’t dialog or relate to him very well. The internet was no help because all the exercises in relating to the Shadow lacked any kind of ritual or specificity- they seemed vague and seemed more focused on the traits rather than the being itself.

One thing is for sure, the Shadow isn’t the same in everyone- I guess some people just lack things that other people have.

In other news, Alabama, my home state, moved forward in marriage equality. I only commented on forums a few times, and I didn’t attack anyone, but I did make my voice known in the midst of the bigotry.

In fact, part of the reason I openly declare myself and own the title “heretic” is because I’m not playing the “game” anymore of identifying with idiot “Christians” and lumping myself with them and trying to defend the like 5% of people who get it. And it’s not because they agree with me that they get it, it’s because those people actually end up touching some powerful and deeper Reality, and the rest of the people just waste everyone’s time including their own by quoting endless streams of Bible verses at people.

The thing is, I don’t see the appeal in it- those people, those self-styled “Christians” have nothing appealing about their religion. It looks boring, stuffy, hateful, and anti-intellectual. Why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to be part of that?

I remember what Evangelical Christians were like when I was young- basically, anything cool, interesting, fun, or novel, or, God forbid, sexual, was considered EVIL and of the DEVIL.

And it was idiotic. And I get that now.

Also, the people who propose that particular world view are not really the sort of people I would WANT to spend eternity around if they aren’t going to be changed too terribly much. Yes, I would rather go to Hell and burn forever than be around the bigots in this life that turned me off Jesus’s people as a whole.

Another thing is that pretty much all the people who are slated to go to Hell according to the self-styled Real, True Christians are the people that are most worthwhile in my life.

But it’s their Hell, so I say, let them burn in it. Not a charitable or Christ-like attitude, but at least I’m fucking honest, HAH.

Stevo

Two Things Learned Recently

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First, I encountered something the other night that was highly disturbing in a way that should have had me posting about it sooner than now- I looked directly at the feeling inside of myself that I was better than other people.

Now, this particular feeling happened to be deep inside of me, and as I understand it, the further down the spinal column one goes, the older the emotional energy is- so the most primary and basic emotional patterns are locked somewhere in the pelvic region and below, if you can follow this.

So I happened upon this feeling, a very basic and old feeling that I’m better than other people. No ifs, ands, or buts- and I allowed myself to feel it. The trick at this point isn’t to judge the feeling, which is the typical response- the trick is to feel what you really feel or what you seem to feel and then go from there. We have no hope of changing how we feel and think if we don’t first accept what we’re really feeling.

In our society, to explicitly state that you feel more important and that you’re better than another person is an extreme breach of the culture: we take the notion that all are created equal seriously and to incredible extremes.

The realistic part of this is that yes, we are created equal by God (or the universe), and that we all have the inherent dignity of a human being. But equality ceases at that vey point, beyond our essentially humanity. Some people are indeed more beautiful than others, some stronger, some faster, some smarter, some richer, some more successful- there’s no end to the level of inequality that exists in the world.

In the USA, the issue of inequality comes down to being a matter of institutionalized inequality- it’s a matter of trying to make sure that every person has a fighting chance in their pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.

Somewhere along the lines, people have misunderstood that.

But in the same way, to feel that one is better than another person is also morally outrageous in the internal world. What kind of a human feels he is better, inherently, than another person? And for what reasons? Yet that very feeling appeared inside of me, welled up, argued for its case, and I simply allowed myself to feel it so that I could go on with my life.

During the course of my day (this was Friday), I tried to see in which cases that feeling unconsciously controlled me- and I had this sick feeling my hatred for the South and country people came from the sense that I am somehow superior to them, and that I seriously don’t want to be here and want to be with people who are on my level instead of constantly associating with the riff-raff. Appalling, to say the least, and I’m still not done wrestling with it.

Last night and this morning, things shifted, and I was shown something else, something incredibly new to me but apparently incredibly old- a sense of unworthiness. This sense of unworthiness is one of the oldest feeling I’ve ever seen inside of me, as it didn’t appear within any specific chakra- rather, it felt like my entire pelvis, hips and all, were composed of unworthiness. That’s how strong, ingrained, automatic, and real these feelings are- as though my very body is composed of that substance, which again is horrifying.

As I felt the unworthiness, as I faced it, my hips and pelvis in general began to feel like they were “loosening” up, that some kind of great burden was being lifted, and the release of the tension made my body relax in general and also began to free up energy in my heart chakra. The upper part of my heart seems to have a kind of blockage in it that I’ve worked on for years, and the blockage seems to be related to the problems in the lower chakras- the more I clear them, the more it seems the heart is cleared as well.

The point of these feelings and experiences is not to say that the feelings are accurate about reality- the point is to face them, to allow them to be experienced, and then to do something about it. If one feels a certain way, no amount of rational convincing will change that. To the contrary, only a shift in consciousness and feelings in general change the way one feels.

And that’s easier said than done!

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Beaux


Darkest Hours

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The clock will turn to 3:33 as I’m typing this, the darkest moment of the night.

So, too, am I at the darkest moment inside myself. I can see all my darkness swirling within me, taking over, controlling me, and coming up to the surface.

When will it end? I’m just so tired at this point, and I can’t explain to anyone exactly how tired I am. I just want to go to sleep, or to wake up, or for something to finally give way to the truth.

God, help us all.

Beaux


Terrifying Dreams

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Last night I dreamt of a frightening child. A baby that was dark and grey-ish but had red eyes. The wider he opened his eyes, the more powerful he became, and he the ability to control people’s minds. I turned him around, facing him towards the teacher, who seemed to be some kind of New Age fluffy Guru person, and she didn’t seem willing to face him.

That baby’s red eyes were more terrifying than the grey aliens and their huge black eyes. I’ve never seen anything like it and hope I never encounter something that frightening in my waking life.

Would it be my Shadow? Does anyone know what it means? Why would it have red eyes? I need feedback here, people, feedback.

I remember that we were in a swimming pool, and of course water such as the represents the unconscious mind, but a lot of us were playing there; I have no idea how the baby became involved.

Beaux


Debbie Ford and Shadow Work

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For those of you who are unfamiliar with her, Debbie Ford is the author of a series of books that deal with working with one’s Shadow, the part of our psyche that we have neglected, repressed, or forgotten. To my understanding, she’s in league with The Omega Institute, and she might be labeled under “New Age” to some degree.

Her books are, on the one hand, a breath of fresh air in the midst of all the “happy thoughts thinking” fluff that exists in the New Age community. Though I tend to be rather idealist and think that most religious movements begin as a heartfelt reform or as a matter of Truth Seekers, I’m also realistic in pointing out how quickly movements can devolve into drivel that benefits few people, if any.

Debbie’s premise is largely that the Shadow can usurp you, and that thinking only about positive things ignoring the dark side of life can lead to devastating consequences. This, in accordance with Jungian psychology and my own observation about the world, seems to be fairly accurate.

Yet I still feel that something about her method is incorrect. Something strikes me, intuitively, as being wrong about certain aspects of what she says.

I’ll first consider that it’s quite possible I’ve misunderstood what she’s saying. Ford seems to be under the impression that if you see a trait in another person that you do not like, that ultimately it is merely your own projection of your Shadow onto that person. This seems to almost be THE rule of thumb in reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. Now, it is always reducible to traits- so, for instance, it isn’t about whether you’re a cold-blooded murderer, it’s about the characteristics of a cold-blooded murderer- someone who is callous, uncaring, hateful, unable receive or give love, and that there is such an aspect of this in ourselves.

But something about this doesn’t mesh well with me; the first response people will give is that I’m just now owning that dark part of myself.

At this point, I would like to defend myself and express that yes, I’m constantly working with my Shadow and am aware of the Darkness that exists inside of me. I’m, to the best of my ability, making friends with it, as it were- learning its depths, its power, its secrets. So to say that I am not owning my Shadow would be incorrect.

I think that on a reasonable level, I can’t buy that every single time we have a problem or dislike something about another person, that it’s merely and only something about ourselves that we don’t like. Now, I’m not denying that this is sometimes the case. But…it makes more sense to say that sometimes, if not most often, other people actually embody traits that have negative effects on us, and we don’t like them because it makes sense to stay away from people who might hurt us.

These are just some thoughts for the moment.

Allow me to also say that despite my criticism, I would still recommend reading Debbie Ford’s works. She has exercises and meditations written to do with Shadow work, and, in my own experience, they can be enlightening and informative.

She does offer some good explanations, too, about the Shadow- one’s flaws are actually one’s greatest strengths whose “volume” is just turned up too high. (I’m pretty sure Neale Donald Walsch says this in the forward of the book.) That can make sense to a degree…but sometimes some people’s flaw-volume is so loud, turning it down still might not repair our character-eardrums.

Just sayin’.

Beaux