Hate in My Heart

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Friday proved difficult for me; I was in an irritated mode all day, not really with a specific reason, and then I ended up having one thing after the next attack me in the bad mood.

I ended posting a response to a particularly upsetting video I saw online that only furthered my realization of just how in control the archons are of this world. The comments I received were normal initially, and then one particular person attacked my wall with a so-called Wall of Text.

We ended up getting into it, and he immediately attacked me with an argumentum ad hominem, saying blatantly mean things to me- a guy who was on my Facebook almost accidentally, who had not had more than two conversations with me and who had seemed like a kind person, suddenly turning into THE biggest asshole.

He ended up blocking me, and I ended up crying- a childish thing on the one hand, but I had enough stress inside of me, and finally I reached the breaking point.

I felt stupid for crying on the one hand, but on the other hand, my body needed it.

The realizations then began coming. I was able to watch myself in the entire situation, able to see what happened inside of me emotionally, and I have come to the point where a virtual breakthrough is possible.

Charting the emotional pattern is not going to as easy as I had imagined, but at any rate, not only did the breakthrough come up, the Shadow came up as well, and the Shadow is in full force.

I have never, in the entirety of my life, began hating someone I did not know so quickly; I have never wished death on someone the way I have on this guy. I have never been so vengeful, but this poor guy, he’s getting all my evil, all my anger, all the pent-up rage at rednecks and stupid people who have continuously ruined not only my life but the world around us.

So, I’m dealing with the rage, the hate, which is welling up from the root chakra- this is not just a heart chakra anger, this is a complete life force vigor type deal.

Which is why it’s dangerous.

But on the other hand, I can also see there is a place for this in my life, that it points still to a deeper pain that’s happened, that my overreaction ultimately comes down to my being on the edge of the breakthrough. All the nastiness is coming up, and god, it’s been coming up for years.

In the end, wishing death on someone cannot be justified, unless the person has killed someone close to you.

But wishing the karma back on them, wishing the suffering that caused you in their vileness back on them, wishing for the gods to bitchslap them is well within my right, and I think it’s about time that I learned this lesson. I’ve been trying to learn it for years and years and years, situations, such as this one, keep occurring, and each time, I hold back in the name of Christ and trying to be Christ-like.

Well, no offense to Christ- I’m going to do what I have to do.

It terrifies me to realize that we all have this dark side, and that we all could devolve into it at any given point. Why I was surprised that this guy had a dark side, I’m not sure; it’s not that I was surprised that he had one, I suppose, so much as it was surprising that he would attack me so quickly.

Back to the whole thing of being misunderstood, but hey, he can go fuck himself.

This is the part where I keep complaining about how Jesus doesn’t tell us how to stop hating someone. I’ve prayed for the necessary graces and charism to stop hating him, to stop wanting to take revenge, and yet my pride gets in the way, and part of me understands somewhere that for him to get back exactly the amount of pain he caused to me is justifiable.

I’ve been unable, but more so unwilling, to meditate. I mean, I can’t bring myself seriously to meditate at this point when I feel so angry and hateful; those feelings just well up and take over, and I began thinking through everything again and getting angrier.

Pray for me, brothers and sisters, that I may know the Will of God.

Beaux

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I, Satan

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How best to write this blog, I don’t know. This started last night as I was falling asleep, as a great deal of my psycho-spiritual work takes place in the dream world and especially on the borders between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.

Let us first go back to a few nights ago, during the weekend, when I had dreams. I dreamed of seeing my friends Pam, Michelle, and Brandi, and we were all going to Montgomery for some LGBT event. In the dream, it seemed we were awake early, and I remember being excessively tired and wanting to back to sleep. I remember stopping at a restaurant and needing to pee but being unable to find the bathroom or shut the door in the bathroom or something.

At another point, I recall being at my house, outside, in the sunlight, and reciting prayers. Then the Light came, the warmth, the Inner Light that I’ve seen more and more frequently.

Allow me to go back even further; the first experience with the Light happened when I was in high school or had just started college; I can’t remember exactly when it was. When I first began participating in Wicca and doing rituals, I ended up triggering some kind of kundalini energy, which was often apparent in a hypnogogic state of mind.

The experience was one of intense vibrations, of an inability to move, of an expanded psychic awareness; the vibrations felt like I would be shaken to pieces, and a few times, I felt like I would come out of my body (though I never had an experience of astral projection.)

One time, this process continued, and then I suddenly saw a light. The light was so bright and so apparent that I thought someone had turned on a light in the room. I came out of the state and threw the covers off my head- nothing. No light. I was still in the dark.

I asked the only “mystic” I knew at the time what the light was. His response, in his pseudo-guruship idiocy was merely, “Shut up.”

Anyway, last year, I had a similar experience and posted about it on Facebook. When I would come into the light, everything would be still. No vibrations, no noise, just light- dead silence.

The terrifying part about this Light is that I’m the only person there. There is no God, no angel, no entity, nothing- just me.

Now, more recently, this has happened in a more gradual way. Back to last weekend’s dream. I was outside my house in the dream, I began praying, and the light gradually appeared. Now, I noted that it was warm, that it was real, that the more I prayed, the greater it became. There was no absolute silence; the vibrations came but were not strong. I think I prayed to not die, because the pressure on my chest grew so great I thought my heart might stop.

Now, to bring us up to speed: last night. I read an article yesterday that discussed how violence is addictive in the same way as food, drugs, and sex can be. That makes sense, and I would note that a good part of my own Shadow (in Jungian terms) is a repression of my sense of violence and aggression. I often lament the modern-day culture that seems to think that if we just all decide to be happy and not hate people that those things will go away. But the problem is, our inner evil is born with us. Men do not become evil. They only discover they are evil, then go from there.

Years ago, perhaps in the first hypnogogic experience ever, I was quite young. I had almost forgotten about the experience, but I recall that it involved a process where the “seed of Satan” was planted in me, and I remember being terrified and hearing people scream that it was too late, the “seed of Satan” had already been planted.

Last night, this all collapsed in on me, combined with my sense of shame and guilt that pervade so many aspects of my life, and I realized that Satan was inside of me.

This is not an easy realization. In fact, to accept that anything remotely related to the concept of “the Devil” exists, much less that it exists inside of me, is anathema to everything I’ve gone through since I left evangelical Christianity at age 15.

 

Then last night, I had strange dreams, but the dreams ultimately culminated in seeing the light again at one point while praying, and then in having a dream that involved a grey alien. Instead of running from the alien, instead of screaming, I reached out and touched its face as it began screaming at me.

Then I awoke with the dreaded epiphany, a realization that I did not want to face, a horrifying twist in the story of reality.

I realized that I am Satan.

Maybe it would be better to say that I am “a Satan.” But the core of me stood up, and I realized I was evil, out for myself and only myself, and that all good will was an attempt to steer myself away from what I truly and really wanted.

I could put this in Jungian terms and say that I’m facing my “Shadow,” but I want to express this as gravely as possible to make clear the reality of it.

The violence, the sex, the desire to destroy, the desire to cause mayhem, pain, destruction, and hurt other people simply because I want to revel in their hurt- indeed, the idea of destruction and more destruction makes me so giddy, so enthralled, that I can’t imagine that I would have ever presented to anyone in the world that I was a good person, that I had any sense of ethics or holiness.

It truly bewildering and somehow a great cosmic joke to have sought God and the Truth so fervently only to discover that the Truth is that I myself am Satan. All the the things I’ve read about our Higher Self, our Soul, some Divine aspect of ourselves; all of it rendered rubbish by one real experience.

I sought gnosis. Well, I got it. I got what I wanted- at least part of it- and even though I don’t like what I see, I accept it because that’s all I can do.

Naturally, during this process, there are moments when I see myself as Satan and then see myself as containing mostly Satan. This sense of absolute sinfulness, of not only being pure sinfulness, but being the actual cause of sin in the first place, and the notion that I will burn forever because of the mayhem, is ridiculously strong.

Yet to see that I don’t care about the eternal judgment, so long as I can bring down everything with me, is what ultimately is bewildering. I can’t care about tomorrow when today I can steal, kill, and destroy.

Is there forgiveness for me? I don’t know. I have never felt this evil before. I have never felt this level of “bad.”

The only good news is that, knowing that I am the worst thing that exists, I understand that I have reached the ontological threshold of “bad.” Nothing can be worse or more awful than this inner Satan phenomenon. This is it. This is THE worst thing, from which all bad things flow.

The kind of power that exists in Satan is amazing. It is truly amazing. I understand his words to Christ that if he bows down and worships him, he can give Him anything He desires. It’s true. Having this sense of evil inside makes me have confidence I didn’t know I could have. When you just don’t give a fuck about anyone else, well, you don’t have anything to lose.

So this is where I am. I wondered when I first broke with Christianity if perhaps I were the Antichrist- I loved all religions, I wanted to see peace in the world, and I’m a grade-A Sodomite. The perfect Antichrist cocktail.

This whole process is exhausting, all this awful emotions, and the awful sense that I could get exactly what wanted by crushing anyone and anything that’s in my way while simultaneously standing horrified that it’s possible and that I’m somehow the cause of it.

If this is only the integration of the Shadow, well, by God, I pray for every bit of grace possible, but I dare not receive Christ in the Eucharist, unworthy as I am now, for it would surely kill me.

Pray for me, Holy Mother of God, that I may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Beaux

Square One Curse-death-battle Punch Scream.

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Funny how I wrote a Note on Facebook back in September about busting through the Square One Curse, only to find myself supposedly plagued by it again. That’s strange to me.

Maybe there is no such thing as Square One. Maybe the only time we’ll fully understand this journey is in retrospect.
One thing that’s especially troublesome is how sometimes, it seems I’ve fallen into the Illuminative state (or been brought there, to put it completely frankly), and then at other times, I seem to have just as easily slipped out of it.
But as I said before, the process is gradual, for all I can gather- the process happens slowly, and eventually the spiral will be somewhere that never goes outside of the Illuminative state.
Last night, when a series of synchronicities happened, I hit a state where I was laughing and crying, all at the same time. No doubt, it was some kind of kundalini experience, and I’ve been there before, only a few times, but I’ve been there.
So great that it lined up even more today, that I saw three people who should know each other meet, and now something in the world seems more complete.
Brothers of Light, I called them. Brothers of Light.
God is merciful, more merciful than perhaps we deserve.
Today, I’m tired. But that tiredness is for good reason. Working on myself, releasing energy, drawing in new energy, and doing the Pranic Healing meditations tonight. God, help us.
Beaux


Black Fire: The Inner Driving Spiritual Truth

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I finally managed to get this blog off my iPad.

Up and down, up and down, around and around. That’s the nature of the spiritual path.

This is, for me, not only an emotional up and down, but also a paradigm up and down- I get tossed largely between Christianity and Sufism, though many wouldn’t see too much of a terrible contradiction between the two. However, with the mind of an intellectual that I have, I have a problem with overanalyzing things and worrying about orthodoxy and how things fit into one system and another.

The practice of the whole thing is also rather a bother at times- for instance, to recite the Christian rosary at one point in the day and at another point to use a mala to recite a mantra or the dhiqr seems to be contradictory.

These leads us to the problem of discovering that not every system can contain everything we need, and yes, we need to able to absorb the best from other systems into our own.

But that also doesn’t include the developments on my own that are almost entirely private in nature. What I mean to say is that there are many things that I do and understand, spiritually speaking, that relate to me and are difficult to explain to others outside of myself. It’s as though I’ve been gifted with a particular religion that belongs to me and me alone but that it parodies other religions or at least borrows some ideas from them.

That is not to say that I have consciously created this system, as I have not.

Sometimes life also indicates that I have been prepared for the longest time for the mystic’s journey.

So, let us turn now to speak of the Black Fire and how this idea relates to everything spiritual I do, for without Black Fire, no spiritual initiative would really be taking place inside of me.

The first time I can consciously remembering experiencing what I call the Black Fire was when I was 12. My sixth grade year was particularly horrible, but a huge upswing happened right at the end. Around this time I began to first become aware of the Black Fire, which is a warm, burning, full sensation that exists somewhere in the Solar Plexus region.

From time to time, I would hear music and songs that reminded me of this era, and the feeling would return, though in a dim, subconscious sort of way.

I had forgotten almost entirely about this experience until I was in 11th grade, at which time I experienced it once more, in full force, one morning while waiting for the bell to ring. The feeling of confidence and stability that it provided was wonderful, but it quickly faded, as was the habit of it.

The night I graduated high school, I had a horrible sense of having not lived up to my full potential during my high school years. Everyone else departed with memories of their friends and hanging out, everyone else had lived a great social life, and in my introspective, shy nature, I had only a few close friends whom I mostly saw at school and only sometimes went out with.

This was when the quest for the Black Fire began. The feeling reappeared one night while I was contemplating life, thinking about who I was and what I had missed out on, and how my social identity did not represent who I truly was- that I had sold myself for some kind of counterfeit personality that wasn’t how I really wanted to be and wasn’t how I wanted to really relate to other people.

Around this time was when I came upon the Actual Freedom Trust, and in some of the correspondence on the mailing list, a person used the term “Black Fire” and “Luminous Darkness.”

Imagine a thunderbolt having just hit one; this was the equivalent of the experience, because the moment I saw these words, I immediately knew what the person meant, and I searched for references to the Black Fire and Luminous Darkness. These terms both describe the experience, but Black Fire has always been my preferred terminology.

They came from Christian mysticism, oddly enough. This was a strange thing for me to have discovered, as this was an era where Christianity meant little to nothing to me other than being a thorn in my side.

But there was no question about it. The Black Fire is what the experience had been.

The Black Fire is the one thing that can determine for me reality. When it is around, there is no anxiety, no worry, no problems. I cannot say that it is always the most loving experience, but it has felt to be a sense of Longing at times. I suppose I have felt love in it, and certainly, in tandem with the Heart Chakra, the Black Fire can become a raging Fire of Love.

So, this is something of the Divine that has been in me all along, a Presence of God, which I have, for whatever reason, failed to recognize as the Immanent Divine.

To bring Bernadette Roberts up again, she speaks of something similar to this, of having been filled by this energy like a balloon early on, as early as the age of 5. This is not how it happened to me; rather, it gradually dawned inside of me, peeking out here and there.

Music often brings the Black Fire to me. Not always, but often. Thus I make it a point to listen to music and enjoy it, because I understand this is one of the ways of relating to God.

Whatever the Black Fire ultimately is, it’s quite real, and not an abstraction or a metaphor. It’s real, it’s substantial, and it’s alive. Somehow, it represents the Perfect, the Ideal, but in a way that isn’t distanced.

There are times when the Black Fire works as something of a measuring apparatus, in which I detect a greater Presence outside of myself. I know of two specific incidences where this happened. Of this I can only say it is the overshadowing of the Transcendent Divine to the Immanent Divine, and I somehow get sandwiched in between.

Hopefully, the Black Fire is a good indicator of Truth, and hopefully, it is the method by which we can work as co-creators in this world. At any rate, the Black Fire is a good thing, benevolent and not malevolent.

Another thought I have of the moment is the distinction Bernadette makes between the Self and the Divine. As many of us already know, Eastern systems hold as almost a dogma that ultimately, the Self and God are one and the same. There is no one else- there is only YOU.

This sentiment has always unnerved me, not because of guilt with the idea of identifying as God, but because it means that if you love someone, you are ultimately only loving yourself; that someone else, that wonderful OTHER, is ultimately just you being projected. This doesn’t seem to quite fit the bill of reality, and the truth be told, I would much rather be absorbed into the Other than to discover that the Other was just me all along.

So today, in having that realization, I felt a huge burden relieved from me. I don’t have to abide with that belief or paradigm any longer; I don’t have to understand myself as somehow projecting myself out onto the universe and ultimately being unable to love another. Rather, the love for the Other can always be so strong that there’s only Love and no longer any “me” to do the loving, and I rather think that is the way it should be.

Of course, that idea may bother many mystics, as it blows out of the water so much of what so many of us have held to be dear for so long. Some would argue that there isn’t any Self or Other to begin with, and that it is ultimately the Self/Other dualism that disappears. Be that as it may, wouldn’t this ultimately point to the premise that the Truth is “Other” as there would be no Self at that point? Food for thought.

Again, as I am not an enlightened person, I can only offer so much of my thoughts on the journey and give insight into what I’ve experienced up until this point; my ideas are likely subject to change upon further investigation and experience.

Back to the Black Fire. For a long time, I thought that the Black Fire had a connection to my social identity. As time progressed, it came to be more identified with the Self, and now I can see how it relates to the Divine. The rabbit hole sees one ever falling.

More later.

Beaux


Advantage: God is in the Pain

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So, as things have come to what they have come, I have to remember continually to surrender myself to Christ, and yet this is a terrible, terrible thing to have to do.

It is said that before doing so, surrender is the most difficult thing, and after doing so, surrender is the easiest thing.

I suppose I have not surrendered.

The Rock is still there, despite all the pain that has happened recently. I wonder, and I wonder more, and I still wait for the real meaning of things to become clear. Often this can only happen in retrospect, and I do wonder at times how many tears one must cry before one is exhausted.

Bhai Sahib said that the ego cannot go through laughter and caresses; it must be chased with sorrow and drowned with tears.

Perhaps the greatest strength I have is found in the weakness of my sensitivity. Because I am so sensitive, because I live my life in a raw fashion, because it does not take much to hurt me, it does not take much to break me down, it means things that are not hardly perilous to a normal person can be used by God to destroy and grind down my ego. Things that would not phase someone with a stronger personality crush and distort and bend me all around.

Thank God for it. Thank God that my suffering, while tremendous, is not the suffering that some have endured in their lifetimes. This is peanuts compared to what some go through, and that, I think is the ultimate saving grace in it all.

For many mystics, there is not as much suffering, but whatever the reality of the path that I have chosen is, I know that it will and does and has involved suffering; that is obvious, and it is obvious that the suffering is conducive to my progress.

But as I have heard, once the ego goes, there is no trace of it any more- no trace of the entity that suffered all things. One does not sit and remember those things as they were- it could no longer hurt you when you get to that stage, so let us hope, let us hope that this is the final nail in the coffin, and that the ego can no longer dominate.

God is in the pain. Somehow, somewhere, God wants this, and I’ll take it, and I’ll offer it back to Him. God is in the pain.

Beaux


The Incredibly Busy Brain of Beaux

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Craving Aletheia definitely has such a lack of focus at times that I wonder if there’s even a point to writing in here, and yet I find that if I don’t record my own journey, then there may be a time when I regret it and that it will not be able to help others in the way that the journeys of others have helped me.

One thing that happens to the mystic is that we take heart in seeing that another mystic has gone through something similar to ourselves. This is when we realize that no matter how crazy things may seem, someone else has seen the same thing, and thus it is another aspect of reality that is important to accept.

A note that has been made by a few different mystics recently is that God will ultimately make you do things that you do not want to do, and sometimes will not give you what you do want. I want to write a direct commentary on this experience for the sake of clarification, and it’s quite important to read it.

First, what is meant by this, from my own experience, is that you will automatically say and do things in accordance with God’s Will without any personal reflection of your own- or at least very little. You are not given the option in this case- you simply speak and act and do accordingly.

What is revealed in this situation is that God is in control, and you’re in no position personally to question God about these matters- at least in practice. But I do want to point out that this almost an instinctual response, though it doesn’t seem quite in line with what we normally think of as being instinctual. Rather, it’s an automatic response that just happens whether you want it to or not.

The trouble with saying this is that for millennia, religious leaders have abused the idea of God’s Will to their own ends and for their own sakes. A notorious example is that God’s Will is relegated to some kind of reference to one’s own conscience and is used to make one feel guilty for going against certain cultural standards that may not make sense to begin with.

So what I mean by God’s Will in this case is something much more subtle and different, yet in the moment, it is Absolute. On the ego-level, there is a lot of confusion that can happen, but below the ego-level, there is a steadiness that exists. I think this may be the proverbial “rock” upon which one must build one’s house.

In reality, the opposite seems to happen, at least in my instance- the rock suddenly emerged, and suddenly I was attached to it forevermore. This is at least when the rock is here apparently; sometimes God’s Presence is not so readily apparent, as many mystics can tell you.

Now I am realizing what it means to be given in service to others, to be focused on others. Focus on myself has done relatively little to improve anything. That does not mean that, at this point, that I have no shred of self-concern; on the contrary, I do, and I can see it happening many times during the day. But it is amazing to see that in the midst of the self-concern, God’s Presence can overwhelm it, and a much greater reality intervenes in that movement, and my ego is not truly an issue.

I don’t want to be presumptuous- but I do wonder if the dawning of the “unitive state” is upon me. I’ve had some suspicions because of a few experiences that have happened over the past few months in knowing my own oneness with God, but it doesn’t seem to have completely eradicated the ego- at least not yet. Perhaps it isn’t an all-or-nothing moment; perhaps it is more gradual than I had guessed originally.

The hallmark of this all is a kind of unshakeable confidence, the rock I mentioned, which had been until now completely missing. Now I know that, even if it doesn’t appear at all moments, somewhere, it is there, and I am one with it, and it is unshakeable, unmovable, and nothing can ever destroy it or end it- the rock is there, and it is Eternal. There is nothing that could happen to the inner rock that could ever move it- so despite my fears, despite my anxiety, despite the very obvious amounts of adrenaline running through my body, when I am aware of the Inner Rock, the Inner Authority, I am grounded in something stronger than the winds and tides of life.

One thing I can say- the mystics have not been lying. They have not told an untruth about the Self; the Self is quite real. I can see that for myself now. I have seen many of the archetypes and so forth. These are all real, and so I can, at this point, only conjecture that if the No-Ego state is real, then the No-Self state must also be real- it’s an interesting and frightening prospect, Reality, but I’m in it for the long-haul, and I daresay God’s better at alluring me than I know, because His Beauty will draw me to Him again and again, and I just can’t resist Beauty!

That’s all for now.

Beaux


Fast Track

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Maybe God put me on the fast track to Him.

One thing after the next, but it must be offered up to God, again and again and again, until there is nothing left to offer.
There is pain, but the pain isn’t something I understand. There is disappointment, but there is a tired and great stillness below it all.
What is it that I want?
My confusion is great about what should happen. I seem to automatically be yielding to God, not knowing what it is that God wants for me and from me in my suffering, but I offer it to Him anyway. Perhaps it is merely ego that assumes that the suffering will somehow enlighten me, that somehow there’s something good to come of it, but why else would there be such suffering?
The nature of the Absolute is mysterious. The nature of the suffering is mysterious. Everything seems to be a great void in this moment, but there is pain, too- emotional hardship that others wouldn’t necessarily grasp.
On another level, I feel that it’s difficult to keep holding on. There’s not much more of me to go. There’s not much more of an ego that can be here, is there? I can’t imagine that there is. I can’t imagine that there’s much left to suffer, to be miserable, to hurt.
After I finish reading Bernadette Roberts, it’s own to the Dark Night of the Soul.
I pray that I know the right thing to do. I pray for love, love of God and love of fellow man.
Red State Mystic: I haven’t forgotten the blog about grace and taking things, I promise you. What’s happening now necessarily ties in.
Beaux


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