Now I’m beginning to slowly remember some of the love I had for Jesus, back in my days of identifying somewhere between Sufism and Gnosticism.

The reality is that somewhere along the line, I got caught up in too many other things. The reality is that, as I listen to music from 2011 released during Lent (Lady Gaga’s album “Born This Way”), I can feel my heart’s memory pounding and pumping through me, the adoration I gave to the suffering Christ all the way through and because of His very Being, and not because of all the ridiculous politics surrounding His alleged followers.

My openly declaring myself a heretic has gone well, and I’m happy and feel free to seek God in all things, in all places now. Maybe “God” isn’t the best word to use; the Divine? Life? Ultimate Reality? I’m not sure.

Maybe my own ego complicated everything.

But something else also happened when I turned 29- I said that I would give everyone a year of fair warning and that once I turned 30, I was DONE with the bullshit- other people’s bullshit, my bullshit, all the bullshit. Age 30 is way too old to not be honest, authentic, and to the point. I’ve lived my life in a weird place of being afraid to speak out because I didn’t want to cause waves, but here’s the thing…

…maybe speaking out gives other people a sense of solidarity and hope- a sense of ability to relate to me- a sense of happiness, peace, and alleviation of suffering. My silence has been for the sake of the people who might be hurt that I disagreed with them, who might not like me, who might not accept what I had to say.

But the reality is that after 30, I simply won’t have the room to care; after I turn 30, it’s a matter of “this is the way it is, and I’m open to reflective thoughts and insight from different angles, but I’m not open to bullshit just because it makes you comfortable.”

To be a good human, life demands of us integrity, honesty, openness, consistency, consideration, and reflection, not silence that masquerades as holiness because we are, in fact, despondent and afraid.

And I fear that’s where I’ve been.

The “Satan” experience returned recently. I’m not sure what to make of it, or of my Shadow, or of what’s going on here. I can seem to hone in on him- but I can’t dialog or relate to him very well. The internet was no help because all the exercises in relating to the Shadow lacked any kind of ritual or specificity- they seemed vague and seemed more focused on the traits rather than the being itself.

One thing is for sure, the Shadow isn’t the same in everyone- I guess some people just lack things that other people have.

In other news, Alabama, my home state, moved forward in marriage equality. I only commented on forums a few times, and I didn’t attack anyone, but I did make my voice known in the midst of the bigotry.

In fact, part of the reason I openly declare myself and own the title “heretic” is because I’m not playing the “game” anymore of identifying with idiot “Christians” and lumping myself with them and trying to defend the like 5% of people who get it. And it’s not because they agree with me that they get it, it’s because those people actually end up touching some powerful and deeper Reality, and the rest of the people just waste everyone’s time including their own by quoting endless streams of Bible verses at people.

The thing is, I don’t see the appeal in it- those people, those self-styled “Christians” have nothing appealing about their religion. It looks boring, stuffy, hateful, and anti-intellectual. Why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to be part of that?

I remember what Evangelical Christians were like when I was young- basically, anything cool, interesting, fun, or novel, or, God forbid, sexual, was considered EVIL and of the DEVIL.

And it was idiotic. And I get that now.

Also, the people who propose that particular world view are not really the sort of people I would WANT to spend eternity around if they aren’t going to be changed too terribly much. Yes, I would rather go to Hell and burn forever than be around the bigots in this life that turned me off Jesus’s people as a whole.

Another thing is that pretty much all the people who are slated to go to Hell according to the self-styled Real, True Christians are the people that are most worthwhile in my life.

But it’s their Hell, so I say, let them burn in it. Not a charitable or Christ-like attitude, but at least I’m fucking honest, HAH.