The Unitive State: An Experiential, First-Hand Account

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First, it would be ill-advised for us to go into the subtle metaphysical arguments of this matter, mostly with regards to how something like a no-ego state can even begin to have a “first-hand” account, as what is meant by the “no-ego” state is essentially a sudden lack or existence of subjectivity.

Otherwise, I would say to my readers, and especially to my brother-in-spiritual, a Red State Mystic, prepare yourself.

The second thing I want to establish is that, because of all the horrible things that has happened because of religion and because of religious authority’s abuse especially, I fully understand why so many people become skeptical and dismiss religion and most of all, I personally have understood and stated forthrightly in this blog my own dismissal of labeling myself as Christian- several self-identified Christians in the past have much to answer for, no matter their Church or denomination.

But this entry isn’t about defending or attacking Christianity, either. Rather, this is to comment further on what I’ve encountered and on what may well be the dawning of the Unitive State.

In the Autumn of 2007, I took it upon myself to become serious about my spiritual search. Everything that I have studied since then has almost exclusively fallen within the range of Gnosticism, Christianity, and Sufism. An underlying and connecting philosophy among these system is Neo-Platonism, though that’s again oversimplifying matters.

This is also when the experiences began starting- various kinds of insights about Christ, as it were, and of course, all kinds of experiences that way outside of any of the above mentioned systems.

Notwithstanding, eventually I came to identify what I call the Black Fire with my being Christian and with Christ. But more to the point, the Black Fire has two modes- one mode which is within, or immanent, and one mode which is without, or transcendent. The most intense moments are when this Black Fire is felt both within me and in the world around me, and this happens most especially at night when I’m driving alone but not exclusively so.

Even more recently, though, I came to realize the very real and tremendous reality of the Void that may be called Christ, something I’ve mentioned recently here. The Void seems to have been looming, moving closer and closer to me, and I’ve been forcing myself to do psychological work- facing various pains and confusions within myself, along with very real moral problems and conflicting impulses that make me a rather neurotic person on the whole.

Last night, something- and I’m not exactly sure what- happened. Something gave way within me.

Remember how I mentioned Christ as being the Earth Father Archetype? I felt the Void coming from both below and above me, moving into itself through me, uniting around my stomach area and moving even further than that- from Void to Void, from above to below and below to above.

What I came to see is exactly how deep the soul is, to put it poetically; I came to see the vast Nothingness that spreads out beyond our regular conscious mind, and it’s truly outstanding and amazing to see that absolute stillness within.

And from that point, I watched as various emotions would arise inside of me, and, as my friend Drew who is certainly in the unitive state said, be then reduced back into energy within the mystical sea.

This is identical to what Bernadette Roberts speaks of- the whole process of emotions arising and then going down the “drain” of God. Nothing sticks to one at this point- you still get angry, you still feel fear or jealousy or something from time to time, but it will fade just as quickly back into the Void.

So the realization also came to be something that has not been well-mentioned in Christianity. Christ doesn’t just live “in” our hearts. Christ is our heart. This is a mystery and difficult to explain. More to the point, I understand now what the Sufis mean about taking one step towards God, and he takes 10 steps towards us- this experience, this encounter, is more the process of God’s Grace, sheer and perfect and absolute, God’s Infinite Mercy, than my own efforts.

Lyrics from Madonna’s “Like a Prayer”

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery

Just like a dream, you are not what you seem
Just like a prayer, no choice, your voice can take me there

I’ve listened to this song repeatedly recently. The lines in particular standing out to me are, “Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery.” This certainly describes Christ, but more importantly, this describes God’s view of us. And my favorite line of all, “Just like a dream, you are not what you seem.” This certainly rings true of my ultimate relationship to Christ or the Void.

Now, some might ask why I’m attempting to label the Void as “Christ” and not some other deity, or why I’m making this identification. I found quickly last night that if I didn’t use some kind of word to describe it, that I couldn’t process it mentally; and this must certainly be what the Sufis mean by the necessity of a “container” for the energy, because otherwise it’s helter-skelter. So, too, this is where the importance of the Holy Eucharist comes in for Christians, as the whole process of communion gives a substantial form by which we can understand and commune with Christ.

But further than that, from the union of the soul with Christ, I saw something even more important: “Just like a dream, you are not what you seem” refers also to humans. We are not what we seem and never have been so.

Red State Mystic, if you’re reading this- I can’t begin to explain the implications I have seen, but this must certainly have to do with the Fall of Mankind. The ultimate implication is that in the so-called Fall of Mankind, we began to see ourselves as we are not- this is the ultimate trick of Satan, as it were, though I have no idea how Satan fits into all this symbolically or mythologically, unless he represents our animal drives, and even then, I think that’s not quite correct.

So Christ’s coming then reveals not only the nature of the Divine but also the true nature of mankind. If one could see humanity from the standpoint of God, one would understand that as much as God is man’s mystery, MAN is GOD’S MYSTERY.

So, too, we must also see that while in the Holy Eucharist we apparently receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ, in the same way, Christ receives our Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity.

Here’s to the further mysteries and revelations about God.

For me to not be Christian, I sure am a good poster-child, don’t you think? Hah!

Last night also saw a few strange psychic events. I dreamt that my friend Rheana called me and talked to me. When I awoke, five minutes into being awake, I received a text message from her. Otherwise, I didn’t sleep well- this state continued heavily until about three in the afternoon or so and has tapered off a bit but hasn’t completely gone. The emotions don’t seem to be “going down the drain” as easily at this point, but there’s definitely some kind of huge dent in the ego, and it won’t be long before it’s swallowed up whole, I bet! YAY!

Beaux


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The Incredibly Busy Brain of Beaux

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Craving Aletheia definitely has such a lack of focus at times that I wonder if there’s even a point to writing in here, and yet I find that if I don’t record my own journey, then there may be a time when I regret it and that it will not be able to help others in the way that the journeys of others have helped me.

One thing that happens to the mystic is that we take heart in seeing that another mystic has gone through something similar to ourselves. This is when we realize that no matter how crazy things may seem, someone else has seen the same thing, and thus it is another aspect of reality that is important to accept.

A note that has been made by a few different mystics recently is that God will ultimately make you do things that you do not want to do, and sometimes will not give you what you do want. I want to write a direct commentary on this experience for the sake of clarification, and it’s quite important to read it.

First, what is meant by this, from my own experience, is that you will automatically say and do things in accordance with God’s Will without any personal reflection of your own- or at least very little. You are not given the option in this case- you simply speak and act and do accordingly.

What is revealed in this situation is that God is in control, and you’re in no position personally to question God about these matters- at least in practice. But I do want to point out that this almost an instinctual response, though it doesn’t seem quite in line with what we normally think of as being instinctual. Rather, it’s an automatic response that just happens whether you want it to or not.

The trouble with saying this is that for millennia, religious leaders have abused the idea of God’s Will to their own ends and for their own sakes. A notorious example is that God’s Will is relegated to some kind of reference to one’s own conscience and is used to make one feel guilty for going against certain cultural standards that may not make sense to begin with.

So what I mean by God’s Will in this case is something much more subtle and different, yet in the moment, it is Absolute. On the ego-level, there is a lot of confusion that can happen, but below the ego-level, there is a steadiness that exists. I think this may be the proverbial “rock” upon which one must build one’s house.

In reality, the opposite seems to happen, at least in my instance- the rock suddenly emerged, and suddenly I was attached to it forevermore. This is at least when the rock is here apparently; sometimes God’s Presence is not so readily apparent, as many mystics can tell you.

Now I am realizing what it means to be given in service to others, to be focused on others. Focus on myself has done relatively little to improve anything. That does not mean that, at this point, that I have no shred of self-concern; on the contrary, I do, and I can see it happening many times during the day. But it is amazing to see that in the midst of the self-concern, God’s Presence can overwhelm it, and a much greater reality intervenes in that movement, and my ego is not truly an issue.

I don’t want to be presumptuous- but I do wonder if the dawning of the “unitive state” is upon me. I’ve had some suspicions because of a few experiences that have happened over the past few months in knowing my own oneness with God, but it doesn’t seem to have completely eradicated the ego- at least not yet. Perhaps it isn’t an all-or-nothing moment; perhaps it is more gradual than I had guessed originally.

The hallmark of this all is a kind of unshakeable confidence, the rock I mentioned, which had been until now completely missing. Now I know that, even if it doesn’t appear at all moments, somewhere, it is there, and I am one with it, and it is unshakeable, unmovable, and nothing can ever destroy it or end it- the rock is there, and it is Eternal. There is nothing that could happen to the inner rock that could ever move it- so despite my fears, despite my anxiety, despite the very obvious amounts of adrenaline running through my body, when I am aware of the Inner Rock, the Inner Authority, I am grounded in something stronger than the winds and tides of life.

One thing I can say- the mystics have not been lying. They have not told an untruth about the Self; the Self is quite real. I can see that for myself now. I have seen many of the archetypes and so forth. These are all real, and so I can, at this point, only conjecture that if the No-Ego state is real, then the No-Self state must also be real- it’s an interesting and frightening prospect, Reality, but I’m in it for the long-haul, and I daresay God’s better at alluring me than I know, because His Beauty will draw me to Him again and again, and I just can’t resist Beauty!

That’s all for now.

Beaux