Descent of Silence

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My current spiritual practice is praying the Spiritual Communion on the daily.

The other day, of course, with the rekindled fervor for the Blessed Virgin Mary (thanks to Bernadette Roberts), I prayed the rosary- something I used to do frequently but haven’t done as much in recent years.

(To explain: I used to drive quite a bit. My school was a good half-hour away, and virtually all of my friends lived at least 15 minutes from me, and so driving was the perfect time to pray the rosary. Perhaps not the most reflective time, but lovely nonetheless.)

Let me tell you, whatever happened when I prayed the rosary, I unleashed something in the realm of the Unseen because I then grabbled with immense stomach pains for three days followed by the Silence appearing.

The Silence is the stillness of the mind one finds in deep meditation/contemplation- no words, no feelings, just perpetual awareness.

Now, this was remarkable because it descended upon me and was effortless, and even when thoughts and feelings arose, they arose around the Silence, and if I turned my attention to the Silence, I could return to it, and…this is the first time this has happened to me…I could put the emotions in the Silence, and the emotions would be over.

I knocked something off the shelf in my bathroom, and of course I thought I would wake my husband who was in the next room, and then I turned to the Silence immediately and the irritation and frustration suddenly vanished- emotions have never been like that for me. They’ve ever had to run their course.

The Silence doesn’t remain, necessarily- it comes and goes, and I go back into being my “normal” self, but this is probably the next “step” on the journey- I have to go into the Silence and through it.

Also noteworthy is that the Silence is almost oppressive, almost like something pushing on and numbing my brain. I have to make certain to relax my neck while it’s going on because I tense up in trying to receive the experience.


12 Days Later and The Real Christ

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At some point in time, after I had the experience of God (the one mentioned in the previous entry), I found myself researching Bernadette Roberts yet again.

Turns out, her book The Real Christ was now available for purchase through an actual publishing house and was on!

The price is steep- close to $50, but it was a worthy purchase.

Well, I obtained the book after a few days, and let me tell you, this is the most hardcore thing Bernadette has written yet.

In some ways, I think it would take a stronger background in reading the Church Fathers to grasp what she’s saying.  But the most important thing to note is that Bernadette is speaking from her experience- her direct, mystical journey. EVERYTHING she says is in that context.

I found a forum where people were pretty keen on bashing her due to their clinging to old dogmas and doctrines and criticizing Bernadette for putting her authority of experience over the authority of the Church. Well, what do you expect? Do I go with what’s actually happening to me, or do I adhere to believing what a bunch of people who didn’t have the experience tried to formulate through sheer reasoning with virtually nothing to back it up?

The two can go together- Father Troy Pierce once said that our gnosis can be verified through epistemis. And that seems largely to be what Bernadette has done- she’s made her journey, and she’s verified it through research into the Church’s teachings and writings.

The most bizarre thing about that forum is how so many of them hadn’t read the book, and how Bernadette had answered almost all their complaints.

The experience I’ve had as a Gnostic is this: most people are more willing to cling to the superficial narrative and imagery rather to understand those as symbolic of something deeper and more profound.

Moreover, Bernadette has a central point of saying that Christianity is about the Living God, the Living Experience of God (my phrasing, not hers), and it isn’t about the Dead Letter of the Bible. She speaks of how Catholics derive their authority from the Holy Eucharist, and how Protestants (generally speaking) do not- they’ve clung only to the Bible.

So, too, (most) Gnostics would claim that our authority and power is derived from and celebrated in the Holy Eucharist- that the Holy Eucharist is the experience of gnosis, albeit perhaps more like a glimpse rather than a complete and radical change.

Bernadette says so many amazing things that overlap with the Gnostic worldview that it’s almost shocking but definitely feels like it jusifies my own path in some way.

That’s all for now.


That Sense of God

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Being Gnostic has helped me in many ways to incorporate and understand things like Paganism and Unitarian Universalism and so on.

Recently, I became aware of GOD. GOD, as in the Absolute, Unknowable, Beyond-of-the-Beyond that I’ve experienced at various points in my life. And to be aware of GOD is difficult, as it requires focus under most circumstances.

To suggest in this case that God is not the Ultimate Satisfaction would be bonkers; God is Everything we could ever want and more, beyond even those things, beyond Peace, Fulfillment, and Happiness.

Why in this lifetime God has seen fit that I would be deprived of the Holy Eucharist is not something I yet understand. Attempting to say the Eucharist myself is met with some effect but not what I need.

But perhaps this, too, will find a true and final resolution, and I will be deprived of Christ’s Body and Blood no longer. I do have the sense of, “Just a little more; just a bit further.”

The difference now is that I sense God being IMPRESSED upon me. That’s new; that’s not been here before.

And so to God the Unknown Father, I say, “Thank You.”